My Greatest Fear is Growing Up

Medication is odd to me.

Whilst it helps out people in many great ways, I personally dislike it, not the use of it in the population but on a personal level. I am unsure where this feeling has stemmed from or why I feel the need to be free from them. Whilst I know I would be on some if I went to a doctors/psychiatrist I will not. 

I guess I see it as some form of being weak, not being myself and once on the medication not knowing if it is the real me coming through or just the pill releasing hormones etc making me act in ways I wouldn’t.

Whilst everyone says it helps them out, makes them happier and/or healthier. I really just need someone to push me to do it. As I won’t make the decision by myself.

Dear followers, 

Sorry for being such a depressive fuck lately.

Love is a bittersweet thing.

Kind regards, Me.

Please let this strength in me not be temporary, please let it not be a false hope. I need this, for myself and for my sanity.

I can’t help that I’m sensitive, I speak my heart and care the world for you. I cannot take back what I’ve done, I can only prove my worth to you and my love. 

You won’t let any of that in though. You’ve made as many mistakes as me, but I’m the one down on my knees.

I’m defeated and my heart is broken.

She has my heart grasped tightly in her hands, please be gentle and embrace it.

Early morning run

She said she still loves me yet she acts no different to when she said she hates me and wants me out of her life.

You do not deserve my time, thoughts, loves or desires my dear. You do not deserve the cool wind chill on a warm Summers day, nor the colours of an Autumns fall. You deserve the Winters bitter frost as harsh as it is, and the desertion of any of Springs life. 

My love is for the summer’s warmth through a storms clouds.

The Winters sparkle on a fresh white morning.

The Autumns lone red leaf on a barren tree

And the Springs first steps of a new born.

Different is probably not something everyone wants to be but lately, it’s all I wish I was and what my life was. Like it’s not that anyone wants to be boring and so would rather different but there’s levels to what extent of different. 

I feel like due to my bringing up to others I seem to be a rather conservative, polite and in general a nice guy but comes across boring to others. For who I am I see myself as more so a gentleman, a geek and a shy guy with low self-esteem. 

I’ve not really anything wrong with who I am, I love aspects of myself (not in a self-loving way just the idea behind the qualities), I just wish I could express myself further. I want to be spontaneous, I want to do stupid ridiculous things, I want to be fun to be around and to know that people enjoy my company instead of me just sitting back and observing. I want to write songs and perform on stage. 

If people were to sit with me and talk to me they might notice that I can be fun and am one of the most loving and caring people out, these days people don’t really just sit and talk, the majority of my talking to people happens in technological based way. Call me old fashioned but I would love to write letters to someone more so than instant message at least it is more personal.

I don’t know what I want honestly this collection of random thoughts is an attempt at expressing, I don’t know if others even take notice of what I write but I’m in need of an outlet for passion, interests and for me to write about what is going on in my head.

To sum up I guess just want to be less… boring.

Do you remember the day you said, “I’ll be the only one”? 

‘Cause I remember the way you held my gaze, my lovely one.